When I was single, people often dismissed my longing to find love. They would say, “Oh, you’re so young; you have plenty of time” or “You’ll find love when you’re not looking for it,” suggesting that I was somehow jinxing myself by thinking about it. Perhaps they said these things because they wanted to help or because their inability to offer any real help made them feel uncomfortable. But their comments left me feeling ashamed of my need. In my community, women weren’t really supposed to express their longing for a man. Women are supposed to be the desired ... not the desirers. So the fact that I was desiring seemed to reveal that I was either not desirable (perhaps something is wrong with me if the “right” guy is not trying to “catch” me), too picky, or that I was somehow weak for feeling a need for a man.
Eventually I decided that there is nothing wrong with desiring long-term companionship, companionship with someone who I could experience a deep connection with. In fact, I determined that my desire was normal and healthy and that wanting love is a beautiful thing. I realized that the kind of guy who wanted that too would like that I wanted and needed love (and be excited that it could possibly be with him). And I decided that any guy who was afraid of my need for love was probably not that interested in a relationship or not that interested in me--both things that would be helpful for me to know sooner rather than later.
It’s good not to be ashamed of wanting love. Girls, you are normal. Don’t be ashamed of it. It’s wonderful to look for love. Embrace and honor what you really feel. If you do that while also working to stay engaged in other interests, and you keep a commitment not to compromise yourself in order to have pseudo-love, you’ll take another step forward in living fully and one day making a real connection with someone worth your time, energy, effort, passion, and heart.
Melissa King : Life Coach for Women * Dating / Relationships / Health
Specializing in helping women to honor their needs and values while developing practical solutions to life challenges.
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One Small Question About My Big Butt
Cliché Dating Advice? Here's My Response
My Journey with Bulimia
Things People Said that Changed My Life
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2002 I have been coaching women who are frustrated by
common life challenges like dating, career direction,
self-esteem, weight loss, and meeting health goals. Through
private coaching, women's groups, workshops, and classes, I
offer women tools to create strategies that allow them to
move forward without compromising their personal values
services are ideal for women who are interested in
authenticity, improving self-esteem and self-respect, breaking
unsuccessful dating/relationship patterns, and developing
new habits that lead to better communication and improved
intimacy with others.